my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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