Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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