It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
