i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
