I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
