omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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