My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
