My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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