I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
