The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I smell like Dick and happiness
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
