Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
