Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
