The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
