Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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