We're facebook friends in real life
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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