just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
