Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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