Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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