i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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