Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize