I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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