You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You made out with two different species that night
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
