I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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