I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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