Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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