I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
