I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
