The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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