she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
