I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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