dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
