I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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