We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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