on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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