I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
