i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
