she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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