and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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