I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
