just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
