no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize