Well douche your snatch and let's go!
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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