I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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