o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
