pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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