party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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