Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
