Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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