I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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