So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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