I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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