I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I will pee on everything he values.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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