Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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