i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
