Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
