walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
