I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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