I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
