when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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