I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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