textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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