She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
