susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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