This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
