im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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