i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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