I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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